"Move the ball, initiate the offence"
I'm just offering this as a means to get things going, for what feels like the up-zillionth time in my writing and sharing journey. It's a tricky and weird road for somebody like me. Filled with thoughts, perspectives and ideas from an, at times, pathologically over-active mind. Some of these thoughts probably useful amongst all the other consuming muck, and it's these useful nuggets that rise out of the mental ether that fill me with such an energy to get them out to the world.
This feeling usually halts itself at the keyboard and this is where the journey stops...
A few times it went beyond to a place out there, and it felt okay... Good enough to endeavour to repeat the process but my own habitual failings by way of discipline, action and the logical internal query as to where exactly does the "point" of all this lie would reliably halt my creative juices dead. But sometimes, as I'm learning and need to constantly self-reiterate - worthy things in life are usually leaps of faith. If I think about what the point of this blog is, I could come up with a bunch of logical reasons as to it's redundancy straight away. Things that I know are true.
This news is not new news.
Somebody else has most likely conveyed any ideas that I may have in a better, more thorough and more enjoyable fashion.
The ideas are probably just not that good.
Nobody will read them.
These are a few reasons - a hell of a positive outlook there and totally externally anchored. But maybe therein lays a speck of reason. How about being more positive about it? "Why Not?" instead of "Why?", "The mind always has it's way, what does the heart say?" kinda thing.
Tangent: If the only logical conclusions to wanting to play basketball my entire life was to be in the NBA, be unlike any other baller before and be seen by everybody, then logically, basketball would've never gone beyond my childhood. But the illogical nature of childhood, uncorrupted by the hard-edged laws of an ageing life and being galvanized by the freedom of totally no-strings-attached action, the game infected me. Doing it because I wanted to do it, it infected me and deranged pure math and logic.
A basketball decision would process differently to any other now and forever. This is the heart winning. A weird logic.
Back to why the blog? From a purely practical and productive point, I do really feel like I learn and absorb things better when it's consumed then regurgitated this way. So for my own skills, interests and such, I feel that consistently chipping away will be a good exercise. So even from a tangible sense, this production is for me. If somebody stumbles into all this gibberish for long enough to have a read, then I'm (working at) re-framing this as desired but not essential. If they happen to find it useful too, a bonus.
But more deeply, the reasons why circle back to something more divine. I know myself and everyday my mind will skeptically ask "Why?"
"Why you ask?"
As defiance to your suffocating hindering logic. I thank God each day for you - the gift of my rational mind to make sense of the complicated world and the ability to reason my way through nonsense such as the existence of God and Twitter. But Jesus, the energy of reason saps and the bliss of ignorance can be so attractive. Sometimes for my own workable sanity, pure calculation must cease.
I need to do something I want, because I want, and my heart's logic being enough. I want to maybe become infected once more and bend math and logic just a little to get past the notions of being good enough for the world and merely being good enough just for me.
The heart gets the dub. A weird logic.
**Written after my first night duty at the research ward. Incredibly tired and brain wavering. Fatigue loosens the shackles. I apologize to my future self.